Essence’s old diary entries and rantings from 1996 – early 2000’s
The formatting and grammar errors left in tact for authenticity
Malakye’s Desk
I have been in possession of essence for almost 2 years now. She is my joy, and my heart. She has often told me of a fantasy, an ongoing fantasy where she is a model, exotic dancer, or a porn star. They were of course simply fantasies. There have been times that essie has been unsure of her slavery, questioned it. Times where she thought herself plain, and displeasing. She has asked me on many occasions, to allow her body to be displayed in pictures, video, or on the internet. I have until just recently refused to allow it. I have changed my mind…..
There are many personal reasons for my hesitation to allow her to be displayed. I won’t go into those here. I will tell you the reason I now allow it to happen. It is a gift. Plain and simple. I often push the slaves limits in our personal lives. Things that were limits in the beginning of our relationship…no longer are because essence has the strength to push them.
I today, 07/30/98 made some changes to this website. I was allowing a 5 minute update on the guest page that displays my slave. I have changed that to 15 minutes. There are a few reasons…but the main one is…essence is not slave to this website. She is MY slave being displayed on this website. The many who have become members here know the priveledges that a membership brings. We are not in this for money, although the site does have membership fee. It is a way for us to substantiate the people who come here..and enjoy my slave. Its is a way to try and keep the floaters and HNG’s from harrassing her when I am not able to be there.
essence is as sweet in reality as she seems here, she can also be as slutty. But understand she is my slut and she only allows what I allow. Those who try to push her to do things I will not allow need to learn something about respect, and about the ethics of a lifestyle we live 24 hours a day.
But most of all this is here because essie wants it to be. When it becomes a hassle, or it becomes a job it will disappear as fast as it appeared.
Malakye
Essie’s Diary
Sept. 1, 1996,
Today I say good bye to a life I was unhappy in. Many thoughts raced through my head as I left that day. I embarked on a new journey one that would change my life, and way of thinking. As I drove my car to the greyhound bus station part of me kept saying go back. Yet I kept driving. boarding the bus I looked back and said farewell to my home.
Sept. 4, 1996
Arriving in CT. My thoughts raced faster. What would these people be like? What would my responsibilities be? I only knew I
would be in charge of the house. What does that mean? I kept thinking. As a car pulled up, I wondered is that them? Two
people a Man and a women greeted me with open arms. Taking what little belongings I had with me loading them into the trunk.
The Man held the door open and instructed me never am I to open the door to the car when he is with. It would be, he that
opened it. As we drove, I was asked how my trip out was and then rules started being discussed. He was a self confirmed
Gorean Master.
Sept. 8, 1996
Many of tears where shed since my arrival. Mostly from his first slave. She cared for him very deeply I felt terrible for
everything. I was naive and vulnerable and at that time could not understand other then her love for him. Why she was not
happy with me being there. I now understand. As I clean in the kitchen everything that is already been cleaned as not to disturb
them in there private time. I hear his voice on the Intercom calling me to come upstairs. A short brief discussion between all of
us, and I knelt and felt the coldness of my neck as the warm leather snapping collar was removed. I felt nothing. I did not cry. I
was just afraid, and thought to myself. Now what. I am in a new place 2000 miles from home.
I lived there for three months as a house guest and friend. Although they treated me as family. I didn’t feel like I belonged there.
Oct. 1996,
Went onto IRC today. Remembering a channel I once went into and the names of friends. I typed a simple command that
would allow me to see if they were there. A name popped up He was called DRKNIGHT.
We spent many hours talking he had lost his previous slave. He was looking. I was looking. After countless hours and a few
days of chatting with each other. We decided no emotional ties. You are a slave. I am a Master that is what will be. I accepted
the Collar.
November, 1996
The day has arrived I am to meet this man whose collar I wear online, so that he may place a collar around my neck and
confirm our commitment to each other. I am to submit this weekend as a Gorean slave. A flood of emotions over take me. I am
frightened, scared, excited, happy, nervous. I ask so many questions of my previous sister in submission. What will
happen. What is he like (they had met him prior at a party they held) Will he like me. Will he find me pleasant to look at. I was
assured that he would.
We arrive at the airport 10 minutes late. I was very worried he would be disappointed. But knew at the instant he smiled and
said “you are 10 minutes late” he wasn’t terribly upset, but still none the less I thought great my sister in submission and I are in
trouble.
In the car he placed his hands on my knees and parted them. saying to me. This is how you will always sit. I was nervous as I
sat there with my legs parted feeling the cool air upon my naked upper thighs. A feeling of vunerablity past over me. Then the
Man I would call Master asked for my leg as he reached in his pocket. He took my leg and upon it was placed an anklet that
made tiny bell sounds. He called them slave bells. I wore them bells with happiness in my heart from that day on until they
started to get tattered and worn. Master had also placed a small sapphire ring on my finger. We kissed and continued on our
way home. After pulling into the driveway and getting settled in.. He asked to see me in a room so that we my converse
privately with each other. While we spoke I was instructed to lift my dress, as he examined my body.. I was terrified yet
excited. All these new feelings.
Saturday evening is here. The day of my submission. A cloth is spread on the floor. Two trays were carried up one by
myself. One by my previous slave sister. A tray of wine, and a tray of snacks and deserts. We wore mid eastern style robes
called abahs. We were naked underneath those abahs and I was again flooded with many emotions as I was instructed to kneel
in a certain spot until my submission was complete, as I had not yet been given the honor to move into first slave position. Then
it began, my submission. A dagger I kissed …pressing to my forehead. Then pointing the tip to my chest. I Wondered will he take
it and accept my submission. As I spoke the words La-kajira, meaning your slave. He smiled. Took the dagger, and a collar
was placed upon my neck. Little Did I know Two years later Would I love this Man I call Master as much as I do.
Oct. 1998
Many thoughts race through my head as I watch him sleep. Everything we had gone through together. everything he has taught
me. This Man of many talents. I sometimes wonder even though I am his slave, and the commitment that was exchanged two
years ago. I wonder, will I ever be able to do things as good as he. It is my place to stand behind him. Compliment him, do as
he says. But I sometimes wonder will I forever stand in his shadow. So many mixed feelings one has of a submissive, or is it just
me. By this time two years later our relationship has blossomed and grown into more then just a Master and slave It has grown
into a love and bond so strong between two people. Nothing could ever break it. Little did I know way back when I submitted
that my life would be as it is, or that we would become more then just Master and slave. We would be friends, lovers, partners
in something’s. We would have hardships, yet we would over come them all and Still be happy. I tend to wonder sometimes if
Fate had a hand in bringing us together and keeping me in his service.
We have entered into many different business deals. I cannot even begin to explain here But none of them would prove to be
good ones. As I sit and type this we are yet taking on a new business only this time it is ours. I tend to wonder as my mixed up
mind takes over. What will I do? What will be my part if anything? Will it be just to continue doing as I do? A partially clothed
girl on a screen chatting to people? A girl naked in the pictures they see? I don’t know. So many thoughts. I know I have been
good at few things in my youth. I have never been more then average if not below average. Sometimes I work so hard and still
never become more then average. So many dreams I have of making this man proud. Hearing him tell someone how good I am
at something. Bragging about me. Is that because as a youth I never had that unless it was to do with the music ability that I had
back in high school? I do not know. I know that it is sometimes hard because Master always tells me I am a smart girl. I am
good at many things he says. Master has told me in the past sometimes ess, you are so good it blows my mind. But what? I
wonder. what am I good at? I do not see it. I sometimes have dreams. That I am getting awards for all of my accomplishments
and then I wake. only to start another day on the internet. I have dreams that someday everyone will I suppose yes give me a
pat on my back for all the good things accomplished. But then maybe I already have accomplishments. perhaps the little things
most people do not see? Could it be my place in life. Is to be there for people. Comfort them, and go out of my way to make
them happy? Could it be I am not meant to be in the forefront of anyone, but only in the background should they need anything?
I have always felt the most fulfilled in my submission. But yet I sometimes yearn for more. So many things come to my head. A
nurse..?? a doctor?? aromatherapy..??? What could I do that would surprise people and make them smile? How am I to hear
the words ” you did good baby I am proud of you” for anything other then after a play scene, when all I do is care for my family
and sit on the internet? I do not understand what this Master sees in me. Because at times I fail to see much of anything other
then a submissive women who is madly in love. Then I come back down to reality ,and think to myself. You are being foolish..
He has told you on countless occasions that you are good at many things. And he has pushed you on many occasions to
improve even more. To be the best person that you can be. Master has said on many occasions. ess you have the world a
keystroke or two away. So much at your fingertips. All it takes is hard work and effort in the end it will payoff. Master has been
not only the Man I love. The Man I serve. A friend when I needed one. He has not just been there for tears and laughter. But he
has also been my guide. My teacher. And at times I need his long agonizing lectures to bring me back to reality to help me
focus. To help bring my self esteem were it needs to be. I have never been one of I guess High esteem. But Master has helped
with that a lot. He has made me feel more alive and feel much better about myself then anyone. But learning and finding ones self
can be a hard task. I know I am not always the easiest. Yet this Man still loves me. And to this day even after two years. All the
talks, and explanations of why. I fail to understand. There is but one thing I do understand. That Master has spent a great deal
teaching me. That is, that we are both lucky to have one another. We are both lucky to be able to live a life we choose to
live. And live it happily with one another despite the ups and downs.
Wednesday Oct. 14, 1998
The Tickets are purchased. We leave Sunday on the 3pm Greyhound bus. The last two years of hell out here on the east coast
will be soon over. Again a new life starting. Master and I finally decided it was time to go home to family.
Anyway we are returning home and this nightmare will soon be over. I am frightened as my whole life will be changing again. I
will be in a new area. I will see society again. I will be able to explore myself more with everything right at my finger tips My
submission will be explored and renewed. So many feelings come over me when I think about Sunday. What will it be like? I am
frightened. Yet excited. I am confused. Yet I want to leave this place. Will Masters friends and family like me?
For the last two years. It has been just Master, and myself. We have lived in remote areas, compared to
what we were used to. When Master first came to New England to collar me, He was promised a job by a the former Master I
had served. Master had no plans to come out early as he was saving up money just in case he was unable to find work right
away. But Master was promised and talked into coming out early to take possession of me and told everything will be fine.
Trusting these words Master came out earlier then planned to collar me. No job waiting for him. The first few months we both
looked for work. Nothing was ever found. We lived off rice most of the time. Went to food shelves. Our electricity had been
shut off and on a few times. With all that. Master decided one day. Web pages. He picked up a magazine and started making
cold calls to business’s for web design and hosting. Master would bring the idea up to my previous. And they would work
together. Little did we know that was a mistake.
I keep thinking. Are we really leaving? Is Sunday really going to let us on that bus home? Are our nightmares really over? I have
never had much chance to see anything of D/s other then the four walls of New England. Master has been my teacher. My
guide. friend, and partner.. He had been the only link to the D/s world for me. Now I will have the chance to see beyond the
four walls of New England and see a little more into D/s besides just on a computer. Up till now Master and I stuck together
through everything. Our love for each other kept us going. But I am frightened with all this. That once we are happy. And
things are finally back to normal for us. That we will drift. That frightens me more then anything in the world. Master says I am
being silly to think that. We have been through so much together. More then most. And our love has been tested so much by
New England its not funny. Yet I am still here serving him with a love so great that could only be defined as infinity. God help
my mixed up feelings and racing thoughts. I know and trust in our love enough that It could with stand just about anything. I
trust Master with my entire being. So deep down I know Master would never harm me. Emotionally or physically. I guess I’m
just frightened by the new experiences. I will now have the opportunity to explore. And as in anything, new places. New
explorations. New feelings. Are always frightening to some degree. I best get this self confidence in check soon. So instead of
being frightened, I will be excited.
For you my Master before we embark on yet a new journey in life.
I have loved you for two years more then anyone in my entire life.
We have been through more then most could comprehend.
Yet our love has given us the strength to keep fighting and not give up on each other.
I could not bare to think Master. That this new world awaiting us in Chicago would help drift us apart.
So instead I will try to focus on the new. The positive. The happiness. For our love is that of infinity.
And in the end know one could feel what we have felt together.
You are the warm air on a summers day that comforts me
The sun that warms me
The moon that lights my way at night.
The Teacher guiding me through life.
friend, partner confidant. lover.
Master you are all things to me
you are my destiny and my infinity
But most of all. You are Master and I your slave
I love you Master with all my heart. Never to part.
I am yours through the sands of time.
Always and forever
your slave
essence
Monday October 19, 1998
We arrived in Chicago today after a long 26 hour bus ride. The Bus station said we still had a three hour lay over before we
would be on our way home. Being that we were only 35 minutes from home. Master decided we would send our belongings on
the bottom of the bus we were to ride on and made arrangements with the bus station. We walked to a currency exchange and
cashed in one of the travelers checks we had went back outside to wait as Master flagged down a cab. We then took the cab
to a train station. We road the train for about 35-40 minutes till our stop was reached. Master went to the pay phone and called
for a ride to our home from the train station.
Chicago is a big city. lots to see and lots to do. Much similar to New York. I know I will look forward to this new city and new
life. Its already started out exciting.
Wednesday October 21, 1998
Master is taking me to a D/s club today to meet his friends. Called the rose. I am frightened and yet very excited. I hope I do
not disappoint him. As we drive my tummy is in knots. But Master reassures me everything will be fine. Don’t be nervous and
tells me of my new explorations he will take me on.
We arrive at the rose. Master rings a buzzer for them to let us inside. upon walking inside I see many different types of clothing
some very beautiful …some to my taste not so beautiful. There are also many toys and devices for purchase inside. A paradise
for those looking to purchase items for use on there submissive or slave. Master introduces me to a friend of his. Says what do
you think. The man smiled and said yes. you know what I think. very very nice. I blushed and did not speak much. Towards the
end of the night after meeting and speaking with so many people. Master decided he would have me try on a few outfits. One of
them was a crotch less lycra teddy with silver studs on it that left the breasts poking through a tiny opening on each side. Master
then purchased some new cuffs. Master would have me then sit on the couch with my knees parted for his view. He left me sit
there alone for a while as he went to speak with a couple friends. This beautiful women came over to me, pulling me up she
said. “guess what I get to do” and with a smile lead me to this cross chaining me to it. Master smiled as he watched me being
chained to this cross with my nipples exposed and my legs parted I mouth the words to Master “I’m frightened Master” Master
said no worries you will be fine and left me there exposed to the club for all to see. With a spotlight turned on me. I was left
there for what felt like hours. I heard many voices, whispering. saw a few faces smile as they stood there and examined my
body from afar. I was very shy and thus the embarrassment was strong.
Master walked over to me and as he took me down he whispered. Its all about exploring. Thus the beginning of new
explorations Master would take me on.
Friday October 21, 1998
Master decided we would go to the rose again this evening. For some odd reason I was more nervous then the first time. The
closer we got the more my stomach burned.
We arrived and walked in to a very quiet night at the rose for a Friday. Upon walking into this mysterious place of unknown
happenings. A person would be greeted by various chains and rope on the ceiling used to suspend the submissive in mid air
allowing the Dominant or Master to use her at his free will anyway he wishes. Other various devices would also be present
there. a horse looking similar to what gymnasts use to vault over. two crosses to restrain the submissive . a cage to place her in,
and two tables one would find in a doctors office. and a couple of other devices I am not sure what there purpose is other then
to restrain the submissive somehow to them. leaving her body exposed to the pleasures of the club and her Master.
Not much went on in the early evening. mostly talk. and watching of fetish videos that were played on the clubs television set.
But towards the end of the evening. Two submissive’s would be used by there dominant’s. They would be toyed with.
humiliated. spanked. one Master used a device that is called a violet wand. a florescent purple light emits from this device. It has
many settings ranging from low to high. number 10 I believe being the highest. It sends small electrical shocks to the person they
are used on. And can be used on any part of the body the dominant chooses to use them on.
As Master and I stood watching a submissive being brought to total humiliation from her Master. I felt this hand behind me on
my ass. Master had raised my skirt exposing me to the club. I was so humiliated and embarrassed. I did not know what to do. I
ran into the bathroom and locked myself in not touching the raised skirt. I stood there for a bit Master did not follow me in. I
heard him through the door chuckling. I heard others voices say boy she sure took off as they laughed. I was totally
embarrassed. After what seemed like a few minutes passing by I came to the realization that this was not good to lock myself in.
And felt terrible at having felt I disappointed Master. I reached out. Slowly unlocked the door and walked out. Master was in
front of me sitting on the couch. I walked over to him with my skirt raised and my ass still exposed. I sat beside him and said I
was sorry. He smiled to me. took my chin in his hands and we talked for a while. I felt much better afterwards. He said things
will become more and more intense as time went on and that he was bringing me slowly to were he wanted his trained
submissive to be. I was excited yet frightened.
Towards the end of the evening Master would decide to go out to a restaurant with a few of the club friends. He had me
change. The newly purchased collar was tight around my neck as I walked in to the bathroom changing out of my short tight
fitting sleeve less low back dress. Master decided he wanted me to wear my thigh highs. a black lycra silver studded thong with
a very short skirt exposing the tops of my thigh highs and lower part of my ass cheeks. The top was that of a string bikini top.
black lycra silver studded to match the bottoms. I felt very exposed and was grateful he allowed me to wear my leather trench
to the restaurant this time.
who knows next time. Master may change his mind and not allow it again. I know I am only grateful to what I have experienced
thus far. But the future brings feelings of excitement, desires.. and frightens me all at the same time. I only hope I do not
disappoint Master should I have any negative reactions.
November 10, 1998
Master and I have decided that we wish to add another submissive to our family. One that will serve him as a slave and one that
is friend and subservient to me. For two years I have had not had to share Master with another that would be his property. We
have played with others on many occasion’s, but none that Master owned. I would cry, scream, fight, yell.. One night I got
frightened because there was a submissive who was a friend of ours who was in love with Master. I screamed, and yelled again
that night, I took a knife to my wrist. Master took it away. My collar was removed again for the third time. This time I was to
get a job and find a place to live. Master could not and would not deal with any of this anymore. I allowed my love for Master
to turn into selfishness. I would go to a hospital the next morning and end up seeing a physchologist. There were other stress
factors involved we would find out later. That contributed to this break down that would not have anything to do with Master,
But the situation we were in.
I have grown since all this. I now realize how selfish I really truly was being. I used to think I could be the best submissive in the
world and give Master anything and everything that any other submissive could give him. I always thought I could be the center
of his universe. Just as he is mine. But I was mistaken. I am one person.. I cannot give everything to Master. Its impossible as I
have fears, limits, things I enjoy, things I do not enjoy. A second slave will fulfill those needs that I cannot fulfill. And I will have
a close friend one that I have not had in a very long time. Not like this anyway.
I finally came to the realization that I love Master so much. I cannot be selfish. Master has always said I am his first. I am his
love. I am his life. And no matter if he takes a submissive as his own or not.. No one can ever take my place. I will always be
included no matter what. It is time for me to realize that I have to let go a little because of my love for Master. To be honest I
have grown from insecurities about all this to mixed feelings. Excitement …Wonder, impatient at finding the right person. I look
back on the last two years of my life with Master and cannot believe how much I have grown and how far I still have to go. I
am very thankful that Master has put up with me in all this. He is the most wonderful and patient Man I have ever met. A true
Master in my book. because he didn’t just discard me and throw me away for my feelings.
I guess it was coming to Chicago realizing that This lifestyle is meant to be an open lifestyle where people can enjoy each
other, share experiences, thoughts, feelings, desires.. And just because a Master may choose to take on a second does not
mean he looses his love for the first. ( I use the term first and second only to differentiate. Master hates the term 1st slave. 2nd
slave. )
Perhaps when the day comes that we find the submissive that is the right person to add to our family. Master will think back
upon the last two years and see how far I have really come. And he will smile with pride and more love then he has ever had.
I thank you Master You have done so much for me. Taught me many things. Been patient with me where most
Masters/Dominants would have cast me aside. You have made me see things I have never seen before. You have loved me like
no other has loved me. You have given me a knew life.
You have held me when I cried. You have stared at me and said nothing when I screamed. You have laughed with me. We
have worked side by side as business partners. But you have never cast me aside for being human Master. For that I owe you
more then a thank you. I owe you a love so great. That I must let go of my fears and explore with you and experience. Not fight
with you. Master I finally can truly say. I am excited to find a sister to add to the family.
November 1998,
Got a random on a software program called icq. A women interested in getting to know us. She is from brazil. Told her to go to
the web site and read. she did, and went into the chat room. Now she is collared to Master.
So many feelings I have. I love her. I am afraid..
Master and I had discussed this all prior, and It was I who brought her to us. She was to be shared by Master and I. But one
day a big fear came over my heart. That I would loose what I had with Master. My submission. The beauty of our relationship.
So I turned over all of my control of her to be completely Masters. Her and I would be on the same level to some degree.
Instead of me imposing rules and making sure she followed them. It would be more like delegating duties that needed to be
done. kind of like a supervisor so to speak. A chain of command so to speak. Master being the head.
I am excited yet a bit frightened. For two years I have been the only one to love Master as deep as I do. Now I share my
feelings for him with another. I am happy and yet frightened.. What will come of all this? What happens when he needs to be
taken care of and we both are here wishing to do it? What happens if we both disagree on the others wishes for caring for
Master?
Oh this is all so confusing. Not only am I frightened about so many things. I am also excited. Will her and I be close? Will we
laugh and go shopping, be the best of friends? I long to have that closeness with someone but is it possible? Is it possible for us
to both serve the same Master and truly be happy? I often feel so close to her at times it scares me. I feel what she feels ..we
sometimes know what the other is thinking. A continent away and yet seems like she is part of me. She says we will all be
together a very long time. But will we? Or will I sabotage it and be the one to loose out on the beauty of my submission because
I cannot control my emotions. Will we both smile at each other when we both kneel at Masters feet? Or will there be a
competition on who is most pleasing. Oh so many feelings that rush through me. Usually I am so quick to say NO. I am not
happy. I do not like them Master. pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee do not put me through this. But this time I wanted this. And this time
I met someone I care for and love very much. But I often wonder what will change when we are all together?
November 28, 1998
We are going to The Rose tonight this time I am not so nervous. Actually I am pretty excited about going and getting out of the
house, after a couple weeks of being inside it will feel nice to get out.
I think I will wear my black tight short sleeveless mini dress, and a lycra crotch less silver studded teddy that my nipples poke
through. Master loves that outfit and has bought it for me. So I know he will be pleased to see me in it.
Time to go soon, IM so excited, I best hurry and finish my makeup and hair.
Tonight there are so many people. A lot of them just coming to watch a free show. Gawdddd I hate that, this is my lifestyle
and they come to mock it by jacking off, while some of us play. They don’t live it so why don’t they just go to a strip club.
sheesh.
spent most of the night talking with Master Baron, a close friend of Masters. While Master Baron works, I am lead by Master
to a couch in a dark area of the club.
I am a bit nervous as I hear Master’s voice “Stand up” he says. I stand, and he tells me to remove my dress. My first mistake
was to question him.” here Master? ” I said. Luckily to my credit, Master says nothing and just smiles nodding his head yes. I
am a bit nervous but knowing I have my silver studded teddy on, I begin to feel a little excited. So in the middle of the club, I
removed my dress in front of Master. He smiles “sit down” he says, and pulling my knees apart so my legs are spread wide.
We sit there and talk.
Later on that evening. Master and I walked out into the store area. Master Baron smiled saying” she needs to be spanked” “Go
over to him and show Master Baron how you look” says Master. Master Baron then gave me a couple of swats on my ass.
Master smiled and said “you stay there with Master Baron, IM going to walk around for a bit.” So I stand behind the counter,
placing my hands on either side of it. I am told not to move. I see a nice purple collar on the counter “how pretty ” I say, I
was lucky and very happy I was able to try it on, of course I could not move so Master Baron placed it on my neck to try. He
then placed a $35.40 price tag on my ass. I was told to leave it there till the end of the evening.
Master returned, and both Masters start to smile. I am lead by Master Baron, back into the play area and told to sit there, he
will be back. A few minutes later. While I am watching a Mistress Toy with her male submissive. Master returned to stand
next to me. I smiled at him, and asked him about the cage I saw on the floor. Master explained to me that it can be used
anyway the Master or Mistress sees fit. And with that he tells me to sit and watch the violet wand, being used on the male
submissive’s cock and balls. “I will be right back” says Master, as he turns to leave.
I watched as the Mistress finishes up with the violet wand. Next she takes out these Large cloths pin like devices, and places
them on her submissive asking him how many he has on. The male submissive could not see how many she had placed
underneath the mask, but he did well guessing. Master returned, smiling at me he pulls out of his pocket a chain with tweezers
on both ends. The tweezers have two little round silver circles that you move up to lock the tweezers in place. As I look at
them, Master Baron walks in. Master smiled asking him to place one while Master places one. They are placed on my nipples
while two men come up behind to watch. “God I hate when people always need to walk up that close to see something they
are not involved in.” Once they are placed I am led to a horse by the chain attached to my nipples. The horse is made of wood
my knees and my wrists were strapped down, my belly lying on top of it. My ass exposed to the entire club. My fists are
clenched tight from being a bit frightened. Both Masters began moving there hands, over my back, down my legs, up my ass.
I felt my body begin to tense a bit, and my fists clench tighter. I felt something cold being inserted into my pussy by Master
Baron . Water began dripping out of me as the ice started to melt. Other ice cubes would be run over my nipples making them
hard and erect. A women that was there would make a suggestion on how to attach the clamps and chain onto my nipples.
They are removed and brought underneath the wood and attached to my nipples making it very hard for me to move.
I would be toyed with. Placed in a cage this night. My cunt touched by another Master for the first time, my nipples clamped,
my ass spanked, made to bark like a dog, humiliated, excited, scared, and happy. I would be spanked by a women and both
Masters. I would be shown to the entire club.
I am very thankful to Master for allowing me to have this experience. And very thankful and honored that Master Baron gave
me this experience. It was my first and will be remembered and cherished for a very long time..
November 30, 1998
Master has released my slave sister. I do not know why, except that things seemed to not work out and they both agreed it is
for the best. I hope that one day she finds her true happiness in life, and finds what it is in life that she is looking for.
My dearest sister…
I wish you well on your journey to happiness
I pray you find all that you want in life
knowing I will miss you but our friendship will never end.
love to you chicklette
ess
December 27, 1998
You always here that it takes a strong and intelligent person to live this lifestyle. That it takes allot of strength for a women to be a slave. I guess its very true. But strength in what? I do not understand. I question my slavery many times over. I wonder at times if I am strong enough to live this lifestyle. I have so many issues that tends to drive Master bonkers. I guess as I write this again..I again am questioning my slavery..two years and I still question it. for the last two weeks I have been playing around with this in my head.  What would it be like to live in my own space. What would it be like to not have to worry about playing and the sexuality of this lifestyle. Would I miss it??  Or are these just thoughts of a women who suffers from depression and her own insecurities?Â
I wish things were less complicated and my head was screwed on straight.  Maybe things wouldn’t be so damn hard if it were. Sometimes I wonder if loving someone with your entire being is enough. I never was this emotional in my whole life till I started living this lifestyle. What has this lifestyle brought me?  It has brought me raw emotions that I cannot control. It has put my heart in a vulnerable position. My head not clear enough that it waits for the feelings of loneliness and feelings of being exiled.
Its brought me a jealousy that I have never had in my life before.  It has brought me happiness…fulfillment. A love so great that I could never begin to imagine. But I guess with that love and fulfillment comes the bad as well.  I sometimes wonder if IM the only one that feels these feelings and perhaps I’m going crazy. Allow myself to feel. Open up my mind. relax, experience, enjoy. How can I do all that when I end up a blubbering and emotional mess. I can’t say I feel like I am loosing control because that happened over two years ago. So Why continue it if your always an emotional mess? Well…Its not always like that. I laugh…I joke…I love more then I ever have my whole life.  I am most fulfilled when its night time..Master and I are alone..and I kneel naked next to his chair. seeing him look down at me …smiling as he strokes my hair.  Watching him as he works. When you love someone greater then infinity itself…I guess its scary. Because of all my past issues. I find myself unfairly waiting for Master to say go away. When I think that way my whole body becomes sad. Its like..I never had anyone good in my life that allowed me to love them this way. I never was fulfilled like this before…And I start fearing and thinking this is to good to be true..so when do I loose this?
Then….When I try to talk with Master. He says…I constantly have to baby you, your like a child, if I wanted a child I would have had one.  You are inconsistent. you are clumsy, sometimes your annoying.  you frustrate me. Telling me, You just have to know and trust that no one would ever take your place and your my forever girl. What does he know? He has never given himself over to another so completely as this. He has never put himself in a vulnerable position like this. Master has always been a Master. He has always had the control..I tend to wonder how he would feel in my shoes. Or how he would feel if he gave up total control? Where would his emotions be? I see so many other submissive. And they to share some type of issue. How can you not when putting yourself in this vulnerable state?
I need sympathy…compassion…as many hugs and as much reassurance as I can get. Sometimes when I am angry. I need a hug and a kiss ..not an orgasm.  Sometimes when I am depressed..or If I am yelled at. I need compassion and to know I am cared for..Not a scene.
I love you Master…maybe one day I will make sense of all this..and things will work out just fine..the way you want them to.
Master of my heart
controller of my mind
Owner of my soul
loving you much more then infinity
heart pounding as I hear you mutter the words
your mine always and forever.
Together as Master and slave.
December 31 , 1998
Master is taking me to a beautiful and wonderful D/s club that he had helped get ready to open. IM soon excited. I borrowed a beautiful burgundy crushed velvet dress from Danielle. Wore my hair pulled up on top. Master loves it that way. Wore my black leather collar with chains dangling from it.  Black lace garter.. and black stockings with my black leather ankle boots.Â
When we arrived there we walked up a long flight of stairs to a doorway with a man seated to the left of it. He took Masters name. Comparing it to the list then told us to have fun. We walked in and went back to help them with carrying out various foods they had for the New Years eve party and grand opening. Once all that was done…Most of the night was spent mingling with other members and guests of the club.Â
Later on that evening…there would be people enjoying and taking advantage of both dungeons. People eating..laughing …and having fun. There was one slaveboy who walked around nude..he had temp piercings…with bells all over his body that were placed in the piercings. He had a full body tattoo. It was a wonderful evening.Â
Later on that Night while I was sitting at the bar sipping on a soda, talking to Danielle. Master came up and said to the both of us. I need you both now. Follow me. Soo we followed Master to this room they call the turmoil room. its the more upbeat dungeon for those that play more intensely. Master led us back to a corner of the dungeon where a man was set up, to do piercings…cuttings..and brandings. Master pulled me by the hand..and seated me on the table and said. Merry Xmas and happy new year with a smile upon his face. I was scared beyond belief ..yet excited . I signed the papers and the preparations started.  Everyone there watching was were very supportive. Master held one hand…Danielle held the other..and also reminded me to breath. The man made me feel so good and relaxed..I wasn’t as scared . He is very good at what he does. He marked my nipples with a pen. He then cleaned my right nipple with alcohol .  As he did that he asked Master..should we do one in 1998 and one in 1999.  Master smiled and said why yes…its only fitting. Then a clamp was placed on it. He told me to take a deep breath. As I did. Master squeezed my hand tightly and I felt this sharp pain that is hard to describe at the same time the Man told me to exhale and I started to moan. I passed out. Then came the next one  cleaning off my left nipple. placing a clamp on it..and again the deep breath…sharp pain..exhale..and it was all done. I felt a little pain and pressure as he moved the rings into the piercing..other then that..it was not as bad as I thought.  One nipple in 98…One in 99..I would be the clubs first piercing in 1998 and 1999.  I would be the piercer’s last piercing of 1998..and first one of 1999. I laid on the table for a few minutes because I was nauseous and had passed out again.  Master brought me something to drink. Once I felt better, Leaving my breasts exposed. We walked out into the club showing off my new nipple rings.  Master knelt me down next to the fireplace. and next thing I know…IM sleeping on a loveseat..I was exhausted after that. Master said I had one hell of an endorphin rush.
I can’t believe my nipples are pierced..And better yet..The smile on Masters face was priceless. This is an evening I will never forget. I thank you Master. for everything in the world. It only gets better from here on out Master…I love you more then you will ever realize.
Your slave always and forever,
ess
January 18, 1999
Today was a relaxing day for me due to the past few days with Master and I working on various projects. While relaxing my mind wandered a bit. I started fantasizing about Master. As my mind started to wander on some of my many desires, I found myself getting aroused. I looked over at Master and pouted, unfortunately he was fast asleep. My mind wandered in so many different directions I can’t begin to explain all the fantasies that over took my body this evening. But I can go into one that almost sent me over the edge.
Its very late. A full moon tonight hiding behind the storm clouds.  The sound of thunder startles me as I continue to play on the computer waiting for Master to come home. Suddenly I hear a strange noise . not sure what it is I ignore it, going back to my play I glance up at the clock wondering if your safe. My heart starts to pound as I hear footsteps behind me and suddenly I am blinded by darkness.  I’m frightened where are you Master?? I then feel my body lifted and carried into the bedroom where my arms and legs are bound wide from my body. Who are you?? Why are you doing this to me?? I begin to tense wondering what is going to happen, and who is this strange person. My body shakes in the silence of this stranger. Â
I feel what little clothing I am wearing being cut from my body by what feels to be a knife of some sort. I start to cry, begging the stranger to stop.  Suddenly he places the thong style underpants I had worn all day into my mouth gagging my cries. Not saying a word hands begin running over my body…up my right leg, over my left leg. down my right arm, then down my left arm. His hands brush over my face trailing down my neck to the middle of my breasts. Down my belly just stopping above my pussy. My body begins to become slightly aroused, as I suddenly feel the strange hands cup my breasts. My nipples twisted and pinched. Then I hear a whisper. ” Are you ready my slut? ” My body begins to jump almost into ecstasy at that moment as I hear Master’s voice. The rest of the evening I would be toyed with, various implements inserted into my pussy and ass, made to suck Masters cock all the while I am bound. I would be whipped, my nipples pulled , twisted , squeezed.  My clit pinched. My body would shake in ecstasy as I hear the words. “Cum my pretty little slut.” CUM NOW! Towards the end of the evening..we would lay in each others arms and smile. I would whisper to you. Thank you Master for allowing your slut pleasure and allowing your slut to please you.
Master..boy was I wet after fantasizing about that..I love you..
ess
January 20, 1999
Submission is not about making it through a play scene
Went to bed about 9pm, I was exhausted, and figured if I went to sleep I would be back on a normal sleeping pattern. I woke up about 4 A.M. only to glance up and see an email Master got. That kept me up thinking.”.Not enough scenes ” In the 6 months we have been up. No one has ever said that. I am really confused you see. I didn’t think that the importance of D/s or this website was focused around play scenes. I always thought the importance of D/s was the people involved in it. The beauty of submission, your everyday life and service to your dominant.  Submission is not about making it through a play scene, or how much of a beating you can take, Its not about achieving sub-space, Or the intensity of a play scene.
Many people in my opinion can “play” and make it look good. But how many people can truly live as a submissive, how many people can give everything they are and have, 24/7 to someone? How many people can give up total control? How many people are truly living a power exchange? Why are the scenes so important? My Life isn’t about a play scene. Its about the exchange of power between two people the beauty of how we live a D/s relationship. Obviously Master plays with me. But our life doesn’t consist of play scenes. Our life isn’t a big kinky sex game. Not to mention I am a human being…with real feelings…real emotions, who begged Master to start this website so that she may explore…meet others…have fun.. Not become a show. I care about people and my friends.  I enjoy making new friends and sharing ideas.
It was important to me for people to see the beauty of the power exchange. The beauty of our relationship as Master and slave. The way we communicate. The smile on my face when I kneel next to Masters chair. The happiness in the little things. The eagerness to do when Masters asks hoping to see a smile.
Isn’t D/s about the power exchange?..the communication between the people involved? The way they interact with each other? The everyday little things that most do not see on the internet concerning the lifestyle? I guess I am really confused. And I have allot to learn it seems, Will ask Master to teach me again what the D/s lifestyle is about maybe I need a refresher course.
hugs to all my friends
ess
February 03, 1999
Woke up way to late this morning. Master wanted me to sleep in his bed last night instead of in the computer room on the floor. I love laying next to Master. His body..the warmth that embraces me when I crawl in next to him. The feeling of security, the fact I know I am safe when wrapped in his arms. While I was laying there so many thoughts of my feelings earlier came rushing through.
I was so frustrated yesterday. I don’t understand. why some people want to see me punished. Why would they want to see me sad? Or is it that maybe to them the punishment is a pleasure able thing. I guess that’s why I am so confused.   When I am punished it is terrible not pleasurable at all. It hurts me very much to know I have upset and displeased someone I care so very deeply for. I don’t get rewarded for upsetting or displeasing.. Master won’t use the toys or spank me if I have displeased or upset him. One time I remember Master allowed me to choose my punishment. I thought his lectures were agonizing so I figured a whipping would be much easier. That was my choice I told Master. I wish to be whipped for my punishment. It was that day that I learned to be whipped for punishment..is MUCH different then being whipped for pleasure. It was not a good feeling. Master says he will never use the whips or toys on me again for a punishment unless he feels it needs to be done. He says its not his preference.  The toys are for pleasure not for punishment Master says.  It hurt bad that day in my heart the whip stung. With each stroke of the whip it was like a knife cutting through my heart.Â
So why do some people want to see me punished? please help me understand. I thought it was a slaves job to be good …pleasing..I thought It was the Masters job to make sure his slave knew when she wasn’t doing well. So why wish to see me punished??   All of this is way to confusing for me. I have to say..It is my hope that I am never punished. It is my hope that I am always pleasing. It is my hope to reach the moon and new levels of ecstasy with each soft caress of the whip. *IM not a pain slut* I do love a little sting. But can’t handle allot of pain 🙂 My body loves the soft kiss of the flogger and the way Master runs the crop up and down my body brings me to new places. Each being a new experience.
I have fantasies of being alone with Master in a room. Total Darkness other then the soft flicker of a few candles. Soft music covering my hears taking the sounds away. The sudden feeling of four hands running up and down my body, wondering who else is in here with Master. Wondering why one pair of hands are so soft and tender. And the Other so harsh and ruff. The feelings all at the same time. Then when I least expect it. When my body is so very relaxed from the wonderful sensations. The sudden crack of the flogger falling upon my ass. Sending me to the stars.
So when I can experience all this pleasure? Why would one want me to be punished.
I love you Master You are the greatest
Master of my mind. Builder of my future.
Owner of my heart. Ruler of my life.
Teacher guiding me through life.
The moon shining at night
watching my Knight
His heart shining bright.
essence
February 25, 1999
Haven’t had a chance to really write with everything going on.  Talk about a hectic last few weeks. Anyway that’s all over thank gawwd.  Master took me to the Galleria Domain Last Saturday. We had an enjoyable and relaxing evening. Then All the sudden Master started acting really strange. Well I guess strange isn’t the word for it more like caught me off guard with his question. Master looked at me with this really strange smile and said. Nose…or Clithood,. I said What Master?? Master then said I think you would look really kewl with a nose ring. exotic looking ess. I said ummm Master are you saying you want me to get my nose pierced? Master said what do you think. Well the answer was obvious. Then I asked when Master tonight? He said yup why not. Then Master said I tell ya what I will make it easier on ya. I’ll give you another choice You pick which one you want done.  He then said.. Nose…Tongue or Clithood. I said Master ouchie the they all sound painful. Then he said the nose won’t be so bad. I said Master the nose sounds more painful then the clithood. Then Master said wait here IM gonna go find out what the piercer thinks. Next thing I new Master was motioning for me to come over there. Master said the nose isn’t as bad. I said But I can’t handle even a clip on it without getting teary eyed Master…He then asked his question once more.  Nose..Clithood or Tongue. So thinking O.K Master must be joking..Because Master said he really wasn’t into the tongue piercings. And Master said he really didn’t care either way about my clithood. And the nose thing came outta know where. So I said. ok Master clithood. then Master said ok clithood it is..next thing I knew…The piercer went to set up. Master says..you don’t have to go and do it ess..I wanted to see what you would pick. But you better go tell him cause he is already setting up. I said know Master that’s ok. ( I couldn’t possibly chicken out after all that) Next thing I new..I was up on the table. being checked to see what would be the best hood piercing. A vertical?? or a Horizontal?? We chose the horizontal. I woulda been a mess with the vertical.  Then the piercer cleaned me up…put his gloves on, placed two or three tiny dots on my hood where that piercing would go. Then Master hugged me. A very quick sharp stick. And the ring was in. Wow!! Yes it hurt. Was it bad?? No. Not as bad as I thought it would be. And yes again I passed out. But far from the same experience as the Nipples. And yes I love it. I will Love it even more when it heals. I can’t wait till march 14th to have my labia done. Thanks much to Master and to the piercer who did an awesome job..He’s the best. If your ever considering a piercing he comes highly recommended. 🙂
Love and hugs
ess
Essies Old Rants Section
April 26, 2000
Uggg o.k gotta redo the cgi for my dayplanner to get it workin again. Had to move it to a different server. I promise for those that can’t get to both of the BBS’s you will be able to soon. Has to do with DNSing cacheing and ISPS 🙂 Somedays I wish Master were rich. Cause it would be nice to afford a third webmaster in all this. Especially during times of a rush 🙂 Will get the pic archives updated agains soon as well. Don’t forget you guys can send some in as well if you want some of your favorites posted. You can grab the images with AloeCam If you need help let me know. Its fairly simple to do..just go into your aloecam to indoor cams. then click girlcams then look for slavecam in the list. and right click on slavecam. click properties and put the cam path in . you can get the cam path by doing a view source from the cam window on the website and just copying the path. You can also try right clicking on the cam image and try and save it that way as well. But Aloecam might work better especially for the members that are using the streaming cams.
April 15, 2000
I can’t make this site enjoyable for EVERYONE if they don’t make a suggestions on what else they need or want to see here in addition to what we have. I Don’t mean more play scenes either. I don’t mean cams. What I mean is..I want to make it as Interactive as I can, for EVERYONE. And I need your help, I need to hear your suggestions. If we can..We will. If we can’t will explain why, And maybe someone can help us find a solution. Also Want to find a way to make the site more interactive in the chat rooms during the times we are not in there. Come on everyone…help me out here 🙂 This is your website to ya know. 🙂
April 12, 2000
Just a hello and how do ya do 🙂 also wanted to leave a little note quickly.  Now I am not sure why some of you have trouble with the vote buttons here for jasbits. So I have decided to post their url as well. Unfortunatly unless you vote manually. You can’t leave a comment with the qwik vote button. However it still counts. And helps us alot since we aren’t doing much banner advertising for outside sources. So The voting really does help with our traffic. I know a few of you vote and thats how I was able to find out that the vote button isn’t working for all of you. So go to this url :::http://www.jas.com/jasbits/Girls/votestats.html::: And just scroll down till you see slavecamlive in the list. Currently we are at 11 as I type this.
I hope this helps those of you that have been having troubles.
Love all of you
Ess
April 10, 2000
I had someone come to me, feeling really down, And thank you vicki for giving this information, I decided to post this information here. Its important that if anyone ever feels alone, Down, as if its the end , your not alone, its not the end. I promise. here is some information that can help you. Please if you need someone to talk to and can’t get it here. check these places out.
support
Suicide prevention
Also don’t ever be afraid to talk to your doctor, If you can’t talk to him/her. There are other doctors and places out there that will help you. Trust me I know, I’ve been this route myself. Please understand. your not alone.
April 9 , 2000
The next person that says anything about me being WIDE, fat, or thick, or any of the like can take a flying leap through the gateway to hell. I will not allow anyone to put my head in a space where I start starving myself again and end up in the hospital. I have just been to the doctor, And 107 pounds at 5’1 is nothing, I have went from 98 pounds to 107 and I tell ya what, I feel a hell of alot better then I did back then. I hardly think gaining 9 pounds is anything. There is nothing wrong with me! If you like sickly looking girls. Then go somewhere else. and leave the snide comments in your ass where they belong.
April 5, 2000
Everyone has asked me if I have a favorite camsite.. Well dohhhhhh of course I do..I have two favorite cam sites…And when I’m playin voyeur I go too them. I figured I would list them here. They are great girls with wonderful websites. Now don’t my favorite guys go up and leaving me now! 🙂
Aja :Â A beautiful girl with a wonderful site!
Kailey’s Window: Another beautiful girl, with a good heart and awesome cam!
Ok so there ya have it. Essie’s favorite cam sites! Aside of my own of course!!! :)))
April 4,2000
HEYYYYY There!!! helloooooooo worldddddddd. actually don’t have much of a rant to write today other then Im, not fully awake as I make this entry. But im feeling pretty good. And just wanted to send a Hey there to all me friends. 🙂 Hey anyone got any cool april fools day stories to tell?
April 1, 2000
People that complain about what they get for free, really piss me off. Instead of complaining they should just be thankful they get anything at all. Nothing is totally free in life. Everything cost money. But I tell ya, When I get something free??? I appreciate what I get.
March 29, 2000
I may not be the best, I may not be the prettiest, But I’m real.
March 25, 2000
Sorry I wasn’t in chat yesterday, I wasn’t feeling very well. No worries its not the flu or a severe cold like last time 🙂 Just got super tired right after we ate dinner. Asked if I could lay down, said I wasn’t feeling well, and was really sleepy for some reason. Anyway. I woke up at midnight, layed on the couch and watched TV for a while. Went back to bed around 3am . And woke up today at 11:am.  Ummmm thats alotta sleep I think. I musta been something. geez..   I feel much better then yesterday other then a slight headache. 🙂 See ya tonight!
P.S. Theres got to be a quicker way to motivate when you wake up then coffee! 🙂
Ess
March 23, 2000
Can you see into my very soul, ?? Can you see into my heart? Can you see the real me?
March 20, 2000
Wanted to post this here as well today. It was written by Malakye based on everything I have said over the last two years since we have had this cam site up:
I’m a slave. Its who I am. Im also a friend, a lover, a shoulder when he needs one.
I’m a woman, with desires, faults, needs, and wants. He’s always here when I need him.
I’m an artist looking for her pallet, a musician, just learning her strings.
I get angry and jealous, I have desires, feelings, I laugh I cry, I feel the sting of the leather and hate it.
Yet long for it just the same. I sometimes miss who I was. Hate what I am, and look forward to what I will be.
I wear his marks on my body, on my ass, on my breasts, on my cunt, as a reminder. Â As if I needed one.
I am possesed, owned, not by the chains in which he binds me, but by the lock around my heart that NONE can break.
I hate him, I love him, I want him, I NEED him, I can’t live without him.
I’M A SLAVE, SO WHAT!
March 20, 2000
Yessss We got the past Theatre Erotique performance up yesterday so that ones up :)) I have a doctor appt today so I will be away from about 3pm till the appt is done. And yes I am fine just a routine checkup Hugs to everyone
March 18, 2000
Yesterday we celebrated , birthdays are awesome! Then came home and I spent till 6am making the past theatre erotique performance into a slide show! UGGGGGG still not done dohh!! I swear guys will get it up.
Love
Ess
March 17, 2000
Well its 4AM and I’m STILL awake and not tired, Anybody have ideas on what they do when they can’t sleep at night? If ya do LOL E-mail em to me. Cause I sure could use some pointers some nights. Oh yeah, I might be out for a little bit today, Have some shopping to do.
March 16, 2000
Haven’t been very active the last couple days, Workin on something for this site that I hope you all will enjoy, Hoping to have everything set up soon. Stay tuned *Grin*
March 15, 2000
Sometimes I think we should just change the title of the site from slavecamlive to essencecam, Because there is always someone out there that just doesn’t get it.  READDDDDDDD Please READ the site I am begging here. Because this isn’t some Big fake commercial BDSM slave will do anything site. This is a site about MY life as a slave. Plain and simple. Other then a few differences I’m just another camgirl who lives differently is all. *sigh* sorry had to vent. Love and hugs to everyone
Ess
March 14, 2000
Dance, laugh,sing, and enjoy life. The only way to go. I always wonder how many people relax and take the time to stop and enjoy thier surroundings, Hugging those that are dear to them.
March 13,2000
Yep yep good day at last, got up at a decent hour!! Maybe Im back to some semblence of normalicy? Gawdd I hope so. Going to go write in my diary hugs guys :))
March 12, 2000
Ugggg I spent the day sitting at my computer editing out 7000 images for the members area, I didn’t want to edit them at all, I left the capture software running all night when I went to bed. It didn’t seem to wanna work the way I had hoped.. Anyway  Sorry all.
March 11,2000
Dreary days always make me sleepy, Days like this really do a number on a persons energy levels sometimes.
March 10 2000
People just don’t understand sometimes, Living in a power exchange relationship does not mean that that I am weak, or dependant or don’t know how to make decisions, Quite the opposite. I live this way because I am more happy, more fufilled, and More cared for loved and cherished then I have ever been. NO I AM NOT SOME Poor abused women who needs sympathy, nor do I need to be freed from my happiness, People that think that anger me beyond belief. I live this way because I want to, because I need to, because I am happy. And most importantly because I am more in love then I have ever been.  Don’t judge a book by its cover, read the words before you do. Theres more to it then what you see or think you know. People are different. Sorry guys had to vent but please get to know the real me. Not what you think I am thats all I ask
March 9 2000
Geezzzzz I set the alarm so I wouldn’t sleep the day away and It figures I got out of bed at 5pm eastern usa time. *sigh* didn’t go to bed till 9am this morning.  Well I should be fully awake by 7pm. You think maybe we can get back on our regulary scheduled sleep program? *smile*
March 8 2000
A prayer
Dear computer gods, I pray to you this day that you will keep my computer safe, And keep my O.S working. I pray to you this day that no blue screens, system lock ups , or missing files will occur.
I ask you this day in the name of R.A.M and ask that you protect and keep my hard drive safe.
Amen
P.S Yes uggg I spent the day fixing my crashed system. Sorry everyone. Maybe this will help 🙂
March 7 2000
keep smiling , for some unknown reason don’t ask me why, But a smile a day keeps the doctor away. Really happiness is proven to be good for the soul.
March 5,2000
I couldn’t help but post this, I just woke up and I swear its taking two hours for my coffee to brew, Don’t you just hate that your coffee is never brewed fast enough some mornings?
March 5, 2000
Oh oh tell me guys what do you think of star trek’s deanna troy nekkid, bound on a cross with a thick black coller and silver D ring , Yummmmmmmmmmm I’d do her instantly!
March 4,2000
Sometimes I wonder If anyone ever reads the website, Or if they just connect to the cam/chat to quickly see if the girls naked or showing something. *sigh* Oh well as Master says. Can’t force anyone to read. Thier the ones missin out.
March 3,2000
There is nothing more frustrating then going to bed at a decent hour because your tired. Then waking up three hours later only to not be able to fall asleep. I tell ya, that sux royal major hot ass!
Feb 25, 2000
Gawdd finally we are pretty much done with revamping and moving the site. I was beginning to think we were never gonna get this thing up. Its been one helluva 1999.  With the setup and plans Master has with slavecam, 2000 can only get better.  And to think I was only playing on my computer LOL *sigh* oh well were back and just about ready to play *grin* see y’all
June 23,1999
I was going to try to catch some Zzzz’s early tonight. But instead I couldn’t sleep. I sat up thinking about this site. I started thinking about how it all began..when it started..and what it has grown into. you see it will be a year in July. We have had many members since the site went up. And have went through many changes since then. But I can’t help but remember those that signed on when the site very first went up. The smile they brought to my face. The friendliness of the chatroom. The feeling of warmth and family. The respect for each other in the chat room. True voyeurs. Not caring what they see. Just happy to be seeing. We had fun back then didn’t we? 🙂 We still have fun to this day. Although the site has changed some. And the chat room is changed a little because it was needed. But we still have a blast in there. But still a little piece seems to be missing. Those of you that were here when the site first went up. Guess this rambling is to tell you that…I miss some of ya guys. Zogg still comes in religiously every day..LOL he’s missed five days I believe since he first came here. SirWild still pops in from time to time. And wonderful Celtic all those gorgeous essie’s 🙂 ziggy’s sense of humor..I remember when if your reading this Zig…when you would come in and tell us a new pick up line you found out. And Gatsby…I remember how much Master used to always give ya shit bout putting a cam up in that business of yours. And Denny still cooking that pot roast the way I told ya I made it? And The Ogler…LOL I bet your still ogling out there somewhere. And Maurice…Still got that pic of me up? NickL still pops in occasionally …and its awesome when he pops in at the same time as SirWild..when peer strikes they still say its the other ones fault. Remember Little Debbie nutty bars? I miss you guys. We still have lots of fun in the chatroom. But I think about each one of you from time to time. Just wanted to let you know that incase any of you still happen past the site. Love to all my friends. Past ones…Present ones…and any new ones I may meet down the road.
Ess
June 21, 1999
Wow way kewl!!!!!!!!!!! IM so excited!! I can’t wait!!! this isn’t going to happen soon enough but damn I am looking forward to when its finished.! Incase your wondering what the heck I am talking about. Master has been really busy working on A new design for the sight. And I saw part of it. I can’t wait till its finished. It looks awesome so far. But its going to be a while yet..Cause he decided to redo the whole thing. I am looking forward to it.. The graphics he used are hot. The design is awesome. ok ok So IM a bit excited..what do ya expect.! When its finally done ..you’ll see why. I love ya guys.
Keep emailing me :))
June 19, 1999
Things I like and things I dislike.
I love walks on the beach at sunset or sunrise. I dislike milk chocolate. I love flowers ice-cream, and espresso. I thrive on honesty, and free spiritedness. I hate when people don’t wish to get to know me as a person and only see me as a naked girl on cam. I hate it when people think because I am a slave that I am nothing more then a sex toy. I love making people smile, I love making people happy, I love helping people. I hate those that think being a slave means I have no personality , I hate those that think I am weak and demure because I live as a slave. I love Master, I love my life, I am happy, I am strong, and Intelligent. I hate those that think being a slave means you get loaned out to whomever your Master chooses, I hate those that give D/s and BDSM a bad name. I love red wine at night by the fireplace. I love playing with graphics. I love having my picture taken. I hate disloyal people who tell you they are your friends. But really aren’t. I hate those that come here thinking all I am is a body..a naked girl to see. Forgetting I have a mind and a heart. I love to love..I love to be happy. I love to make people happy. I have a heart. I have feelings. If I didn’t have a mind. If I had a Master who didn’t care and was only concerned with making money and mearly using me for that. You wouldn’t be reading some of the stuff I put up here. My diary. is me. my words. what I want to write. This rants page..is me…my words..what I want to write. I love people, I love music..I love chatting with those that care about me..those that see the entire me not just my shell. I love dancing, laughing, and joking. Most important, I love those of you that care.
Ess
May 20, 1999
I always did like star wars. The best part of star wars, Is waiting 5 hours, in a line of people and watching light sabers fly. I do have to admit. Princess Leah sure did look hot in “Return Of The Jedi” chained up to Jabba The Hut wearing the hottest outfit I have ever seen.
April 1, 1999
I love when winter’s over and spring is finally here..I really hate snow!
Soo today’s April fools day..hmmm anyone got any good April fools jokes?
March 8, 1999
Last night got to see a little bit of Master’s history. We spent some time driving around as Master showed me parts of his past. It was a wonderful evening. Its not very often that we get to spend quality time with the ones we cherish the most. Afterwards, Master took me out for dinner. We just sat back and talked about anything and everything. I do have to say this.. We asked for smoking…the hostess set us up in non smoking.. and right after we ordered our food and had our drinks..they said we had to move. geez. Gotta love it when that happens.
February, 1999
After spending allot of time on IRC. Meeting many different types of people, some wonderful, and some who need to experience life a bit more, and gain an understanding of life. This page is a place for me to bitch..and chuckle and what ever else I feel the need to do here. I felt the need to write this the day I came across an arrogant so called male dominant, who seemed to think all submissive women should bow before him and treat him as the all powerful Master. This man seemed to think he should have more respect then just friendship on a first meeting because he capped his nick. Sorry folks, In the real world of BDSM a capped nick does not fool anyone. Either you are dominant or your not. A capped nick does not a dom make. A lower case nick does not a sub make. You are what you are. Its in your personality, and can be seen a mile away if your not being honest with yourself, or the people around you.
In my opinion for me to give the extra respect to a dominant person. I need to know them. I need to respect them as such. I cannot give that extra respect to a stranger, to someone I do not know. I treat everyone the same until I get to know them and respect them enough to give more.
I am sorry if this upsets any of you. To the small minority of online dom’s who feel by capping their nick think I should bow to you, sorry it won’t happen.There is only one man I give more then I will ever give anyone else. That Man I call Master. There are only a few real life dominants That have earned my real life respect, and I have had the opportunity to break bread, and talk with them.
So I am truly sorry if you find me a disappointment.. But its called real life. And in the real world you earn respect.
In my opinion if that extra respect is given away to freely to the wrong person, you may just end up in a bad situation. So becareful and think before jumping.