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May 15th, 4:10 PM, a name from my past popped into my Facebook Messenger. \u201cThought you might remember these.\u201d It was an old song Malakye used to sing to me. I swooned when he sang. I would sit on the floor and admire him, my Master, my dominant, the man who owned everything that existed within me. When he sang and played his guitar, I melted into a pile of goo. I would ask him to sing so many songs, including the one he sent me in that message.<\/p>\r\n
I didn\u2019t really expect anything when he sent it, but I sure got excited to see a message from him and hear his music again. Listening to it brought me back to that young girl who sat on the floor and could listen to him play for hours. That little message opened up more communication and brought a flood of emotions. We started sending music back and forth. I started sending my lyrics to him. He started composing and producing. Two weeks later, I feel almost like I did when we first met, only with a lifetime of memories from both of us. We started reminiscing over the good times and started talking about some of our struggles. It was something we had been needing to do for 20 years but never did.<\/p>\r\n
In order to understand where I\u2019m going with this first diary entry, you need to understand our past. Malakye and I met when I was in Norwich, Connecticut. I was in another sort of strange situation that I won\u2019t write about here, not just yet anyway. I\u2019ll save that for another day. In any event, I had known him online as Drknyght and his submissive, Drkstar. We met in an IRC chat channel in the \u201990s. I used to talk to her and have coffee with her every morning. \u201cHazelnut,\u201d no doubt, that too is a story for another time. In any event, they were the equivalent of the BDSM power couple, along with the channel owner and his submissive, who would be the couple I was staying with.<\/p>\r\n
At some point, they would soon no longer be together, and Malakye and I started talking almost every single night. I would become his \u201conline submissive,\u201d if you are online in chat rooms, you will understand. Then one day he flew out to Connecticut, and we went through a collaring ceremony. It was very ritualistic. The dominant of my submissive friend would give me away, much like the father of the bride. I would give him an Athame (a ceremonial dagger), made him an abaya, a loose fitting long robe that my submissive friend showed me how to make. He would collar me and put slave bells on my ankle (that is what we called them then). I\u2019m sorry if that is not politically correct these days.<\/p>\r\n
We spent 10 years in a TPE (Total Power Exchange) relationship. We got to know each other and trust each other so deeply that after some time, we no longer even needed safewords. While they were still there for me, we just didn\u2019t need or use them. It took many years of building trust and understanding to get to that point.<\/p>\r\n
I am at a point where I could write a novel. Our relationship was what you would read about in books or watch movies about, but it wasn\u2019t this fantasy B.S. that you see nowadays. Girls, I\u2019m here to tell you, if you ever read this, Fifty Shades of Grey is just that, a novel. It is a book. You will not meet a Christian Grey. There are only so many young billionaire CEOs out there. This too is for another time.<\/p>\r\n
In any event, Malakye and I lived a very deep, personal, and intense relationship and lifestyle for 10 years, five of which we were married. We had a website in which I kept a diary where I poured my entire being, heart, and soul into that book. People saw every facet of me. I didn\u2019t romanticize anything. Unfortunately, however, that also gave some people room to draw conclusions that sometimes made it look like I was a victim and he was the perpetrator. I assure you that was not the case. I was trying to live as close to a 100% pure TPE as one could get, and that sometimes meant pushing limits and vulnerabilities that didn\u2019t always look pretty.<\/p>\r\n
Fast forward again. Years later, we would move back home to Chicago, and I would end up working at a hospital. Let\u2019s just say it was the beginning of our world slowly disappearing, until one day things snapped and we separated. Slavecamlive went away, and my entire world crumbled before me, part of which was my own doing.<\/p>\r\n
Malakye would later meet someone and come back for me when he heard I was in a horrible spot. When we split, I was looking to replace him and tried to find other dominants and people who could touch me the same way that Malakye did. It was never to happen. Malakye was so far inside of me that I could not escape, and even through separation, no matter how hard I tried, he would creep into my thoughts.<\/p>\r\n
So you must know when his message came across, I had a mixture of emotions. Was he still married? What was he doing now? Who is he with? Is he happy? Is he healthy? I still love him. I still need him. He has always owned a part of me regardless, and I compared the two people I had been with to him. It just never worked, so I decided to become the proverbial single cat lady and give up on relationships entirely, convinced I would never have what I needed and desired back again.<\/p>\r\n
Back in Cali, I felt jilted. I felt like the universe took my entire world, crumbled it, and gave it to another person. When I was in Cali, I tried hard to make it work, but I failed and ended up back on the train home. It didn\u2019t really matter what I wanted. I felt like I had been pushed out, only to lose my husband to another because of my failures. He thought I left him, and I thought I had been pushed out.<\/p>\r\n
Fast forward again to present day. For the last two weeks, through music, we have reconnected. We started communicating about the past and talking about things we should have discussed years ago. I found myself back in the space of desire, want, and need. Can we get back any sort of resemblance of what we had? I mean, I\u2019m not 30 anymore, and he\u2019s not 42.<\/p>\r\n
I found myself longing for him to control me again, to be my dominant again. I found myself experiencing those very butterflies that a girl once feels when she has a crush and that crush pays attention to her.<\/p>\r\n
I have only told one person of our reconnection. She is someone I trust explicitly, and I must say I felt like a schoolgirl telling her best friend about that bad boy crush all over again.<\/p>\r\n
I don\u2019t know where any of this is going, and I know we are not at a point to begin to even really tell anyone, save for the one friend I told. We have been living separate lives for many years now, and neither of us wants to hurt those in our lives, nor do I want anyone to impact our current relationship like they did in the past.<\/p>\r\n
I need him and will accept whatever we can get back, and if it is to be only a deep friendship, so be it. I am just grateful we reconnected and am excited to forge something new. Whatever that looks like, I don\u2019t think either of us knows. And as I mentioned, we have other people in our lives to consider.<\/p>\r\n
I am angry at the universe for crumbling my entire world, but I am grateful it has brought it back to me in some way.<\/p>\r\n
I will forever be his on some sort of level.<\/p>\r\n
Until next time,
Essence<\/p>\r\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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